Happy New Year!!

So, it's 10:30 p.m. on New Year's Eve. Mark and I are getting ready to do what parents of children under five find the most exciting... go to sleep.

In the spirit of starting an organized 2013, I cleaned out and organized our dressers yesterday afternoon. Part of that process had me moving some of Mark's stuff to a different drawer - one of the bottom ones. Before you get mad, I will say that there are three bottom drawers and my stuff is in two of them. I thought it was only fair that he have a bottom drawer as well.

I was snuggled into bed, ready to turn off the lights. Mark couldn't find his pajama pants (I'm pretty sure part of Mark hates that I'm writing about his pajama pants. However, if he doesn't want me to write about them, he shouldn't be so funny.)

"Bottom drawer on the left side," I tell him.

He opens the drawer and groans.

"It hurts my back to open that drawer." Whiner.

He crawls into bed.

"I mean, it hurts especially bad because... because... my back already hurts."

I look at him.

"Honey, you are so manly."

"Pure man."

***

Happy New Year, Everyone!

What are you looking for?

I know this one is short, but I didn't feel comfortable putting it right out there on Facebook.

Our good friends Dan, Ang, and Izzi were staying with us last night. Izzi decided she wanted to sleep on a mattress in Harper's room. So Mark starts working on setting up the bed. He was standing in the hallway looking for sheets for the twin-sized air mattress when he uttered this gem:

"Where are the twin shitted..."

He stopped and looked at Ang and I. We were sitting in the living room. Laughing. Laughing so hard we were crying.

As you might imagine, this was a theme for the rest of the evening.

Mark Wears Glasses

Mark had lasik a few years ago. It worked pretty well, but last year he decided he needed glasses - especially for work. For awhile he would leave his glasses at work, since that is where he used them the most. Recently, however, he's been wearing them home. Sometimes he wears them into the car and then takes them off while he is driving. Then he forgets them in the car. This usually isn't that big of a deal because he usually remembers them at some point before he gets back to work the next day.

Today, on the way home from Costco, he discovered his glasses sitting in the middle console. He put them on.

A few minutes later we were home.

As we pulled into the garage, he almost hit the side of the garage with the passenger side mirror.

"Whoa!" says Mark.

Then, "I meant to get that close."

"Yeah," I say, "I could tell by your nonverbals."

Then Mark drove too far into the garage and ran into the stroller.

He turns to look at me.

"My glasses make me see better."

Wardrobe Malfunctions and Ninja Mark

Ok, so here are a couple of funny things that happened this week...

On Wednesday I decided that Tegan and I needed to go to Target. We needed baby food and some other things. So, like any parent planning to make a shopping outing with a sixth-month-old, I planned carefully. I made sure I had an extra bottle, change of clothes, diapers and wipes. I packed my wallet and cell phone in the diaper bag. I put the diaper bag in the car. I made sure we had a big enough window between Tegan's last bottle and her last nap so that I wouldn't have to feed her on the go (which I WAS prepared for... I just don't like to make bottles on the fly). Finally, when all the stars had aligned, I packed Tegan into her car seat, climbed into the drivers seat and headed to Target.

When I was halfway to Target I realized I was still wearing my slippers.

Crap.

What should I do? Do I go home and put shoes on? Or do I just go to Target and hope no one notices. If I wear my slippers to Target, I'm going to have to clean the bottoms when I get home. I mean, the entire reason I wear slippers is to keep from tracking yucky outside stuff all over the house...

I turned around and went back for shoes.

Later, when I told Mark, he was of the opinion that I should have just gone in my slippers.

"It's just slippers," he said. "Some people go shopping in their pajamas."

"Maybe if I was going to WalMart I would have kept them on..."

________________________________________________________________________

That same day there was another wardrobe malfunction... but this one was Mark's.

I was in the kitchen getting some of the newly purchased baby food ready for Tegan to eat. It was about 11:00 a.m. All of a sudden, Mark walks in the door. He scared the poop out of me because I didn't hear the garage door open and so had no idea he was home. After I jumped out of my skin I asked what he was doing home.

"Uh, I had an accident."

We have a three year old who has spent this year potty training. "Accident" in our house usually means someone wet their pants. Imagine the mental picture I had for just a moment...

But, no, it wasn't that kind of accident. Although it did happen to his pants...

Mark turned around and showed me. The seat of his pants had split. A big split. Like, an 18 inch split.

"I was leaning over to fix a jam in the copier when I heard the rip."

I should mention that these pants were like a decade old. It's a miracle they had lasted as long as they did.

"So, I just went into my office, grabbed by coat, and left."

"You didn't tell your boss why you were leaving?"

"No. I didn't really want anyone to know I had to leave because I had a big hole in my A$$."

"Well, they will all know after they read my blog."

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Last night while I was walking past him in the kitchen, Mark grabbed my arm. I stopped to look at him.

"I almost flipped you just now," Mark said.

There were a few moments of silence. Then we both started laughing.

"Sure you were, honey."

Flipped me. Right.

RRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPP

I wanted to post this short little story as my Facebook status, but decided that might not be the appropriate venue. Instead, I decided to expand the story post just the link on Facebook, thereby covering my bases.

This morning, Mark stood up from the desk chair in our kitchen/office area and abruptly grabbed is left butt cheek.

"F&^#."

He had a GIANT rip in his pants. Like, huge. Big enough for me to put my hand in up to my elbow. True story. I did it (not while he was wearing them. That would've been weird... and difficult).

"Well, I guess you won't be wearing those pants today."

I start thinking about when that might have happened. And how funny it would have been if he had been walking around, oh, say, Target with pretty much his entire butt cheek (albeit covered in man-underpants) showing.

"When do you think that happened?" I ask.

"I do think I felt a ripping sensation just now."

"Oh, good." Shoot.

National Coffee Day!

Me: "It's National Coffee Day. I think Einsteins is running a deal on coffee today."

Mark: "I actually didn't eat that much and I'm a little hungry."

Me: "Well, then, go to Einstein and get us something to eat!"

Mark, putting words in my mouth: "Go get me a f&*@ing bagel."

Me: "Yep."

Mark: "I'm going to get the weirdest combination of bagel and shmear ever for you."

Me: "What will you get? Now I'm curious."

Mark: "I don't know... pumpernickel and jalapeno..."

Me: "Ugh... wait, no, I don't think that would be that bad."

I start thinking about eating bagels.

Me: "My mouth is watering."

Mark: "Yuck."