Mark and I are heading toward the Lowry tunnel when Mark gets cut off by a pretty crappy Ford van. It's a utility-type van, not a Ford Windstar. It looks like a Ford Econoline, but that's not what it was. I tried to note the make so that I could accurately represent it here, but I can't remember. Anyway, the van was old and pretty beat up. Through the back windows you could something that looked like cleaning products or whatnot stacked against the doors.
"Oh look," I said, "a serial killer van."
Now, I know it's not funny to make fun of serial killers or their vans. But I do it anyway.
Just then, ANOTHER van, this one a Ford Econoline, pulls up beside the other van. This one is even more beat up.
Mark says, "If possible, that van is even more crappy than the one in front of us."
"Yes," I say, agreeing. "But, it is a better serial killer van because it doesn't have windows in the back."
Mark peruses the van as we head through the tunnel. "Yes," he responds, "and it has a ladder on top so that the serial killer can climb in the second story."
It's quiet for a moment. Believe it or not, I'm actually thinking that I should quit making fun of serial killer vans. I KNOW it's not that funny.
"I'm coming to kill your cereal!" Mark says suddenly.
I start laughing.
"Imagine, you come downstairs into your kitchen to find your cereal box all shredded up and bits of cereal all over the floor..."
Mark picks up the narrative. "And milk splashed all over... Cereal... lying in puddles of WARM MILK!" Mark sounds horrified.
My friend Ryan declares that I should "bitch slap" someone.
"Yeah," I reply, "because I want to get arrested. And lose my job."
Ali and Ryan and I all laugh.
"That would be just what I need, to get arrested for manslaughter," I say.
"Whoa!" says Ali, "Manslaughter?! That sure escalated fast! Bitch-slapping is quite a bit different than manslaughter."
I laughed so hard I had to bend over the counter.
"I know!" I say, "I meant to say battery, but I didn't say the right word!"
"Or assault," says Ali.
"Assault and battery," says Ryan.
Still quite a bit different from manslaughter.
The story behind the name:
One evening, at the Old Broadway Grill in Fargo, North Dakota, my brother caught the end of a Mountain Dew commercial. In the commercial, a Mountain Dew drinker was riding a shark in the ocean. My brother exclaimed in surprise, not realizing that it was a commercial. When I told him he declared "All I saw was a guy coming out of the shower with a shark." Of course, he meant water, but the idea of showering with sharks has been with me ever since.