The story behind the name:

One evening, at the Old Broadway Grill in Fargo, North Dakota, my brother caught the end of a Mountain Dew commercial. In the commercial, a Mountain Dew drinker was riding a shark in the ocean. My brother exclaimed in surprise, not realizing that it was a commercial. When I told him he declared "All I saw was a guy coming out of the shower with a shark." Of course, he meant water, but the idea of showering with sharks has been with me ever since.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Urge to kill... Fluctuating?

So, I know that all my faithful readers have been saddened by my recent lack of blogging... So get ready for the marathon blog of all blogs!!!!! (So big, it requires FIVE exclamation points). The reason I haven't blogged in several days is that I was busy moving and unpacking. So, let's start there.

Last Friday I came to school and taught my 9:00 a.m. class. I wanted to run IMMEDIATELY after class was over, but, alas, Mark got bogged down in work and we didn't actually leave school until after 11:00 a.m. We went back to the duplex and I frantically started getting all the painting stuff together while also trying to pack other things. Mom and Dad called when they got to 169 and we told them to meet us at the new house, which they did. We proceeded to show them around and they "oohed" and aahhhed" an appropriate amount. Then we went and had lunch at Noodles Company (Mark and I were STARVING). I had the large helping of Wisconsin Mac N Cheese, which was really really stupid. I forget that just because I'm really hungry does not actually mean that my stomach is any bigger. So, even though is was incredibly delicious, I had to throw some away (into Jared's mouth, he was also really hungry).

After lunch, we made a trip to Home Depot (probably one of my top 10 fav stores) to buy some stuff -- can't really remember what we bought. It was one of several trips to the HD we have made in the past 4 days. Then we picked up the puppies from the duplex and brought them to the house.

WARNING: About to embark on a side-story.

We had to bring the dogs to the house because the home insurance guy wanted to see them when he did the house inspection for our insurance purposes. But he never showed. I found out yesterday that he accidentally went to the wrong house (our next door neighbor's). I blame our lack of house numbers, a problem that was rectified Saturday morning. So, anyway, we had the dogs with us for several hours while we were painting the basement ceiling and priming the walls. I will describe them as less-than-helpful and leave it at that.

Returning to the chronology:

We spent the afternoon painting the ceiling of the family room. HATES IT!! And by "it" I mean painting the ceiling. It was hideously horrible, but it turned out FABULOUSLY. I'm so very glad that it is over. At 5 we went to Brit's and ate delicious food and drank delicious Newcastle. Then, it was back to HD (3rd trip that day) to buy a light. That evening, we finished painting the ceiling, started priming the walls, and Mark installed the new light in the ceiling. Then we went home at about 10:00 p.m. I wanted to pack some more stuff, but I was so tired that I let mom convince me to go to bed, which was probably a good thing.

Saturday morning started for me at 6 a.m. I was feeling horribly guilty and behind because I hadn't packed everything. Not the best way to start out a day, but I couldn't do anything about it except start packing and getting things together. Mark and Dad went and got bagels from Einstein Bros (yum yum) and we had bagels for breakfast for the 5th (yes, 5th) time that week. Even though I love them, I have put a one month moratorium on bagel eating. The rest of the day was a whirlwind of packing, painting, moving, sorting, unpacking, exhaustion and sore feet. But we got everything moved and we slept in the new house for the first time Saturday night!! I didn't sleep very well, though, because I never sleep well the first night in a strange place. Also, the bed was not arranged optimally and it threw off my feng shui.

I need to mention the delicious dinner we had at Chin's Asia Fresh Saturday night with Dave and Barb and Charley and Eileen. It was Dave's birthday and we had lots of fun.

Sunday was another day of working, soreness and exhaustion. While it was overall fun and exciting (especially the part where Mom and Dad and I went to Target and bought some FANTASTIC stuff for the house - shower curtain, duvet, and towel bars feature prominently) it also set the stage for Monday - the most hideously crappy day I've had since my Mom went into the hospital last year. What follows is an accounting of that day -- Amityville Horror Style.

Monday morning - sad and melancholy.

My parents and Jared left early Monday morning. Mark and I were sad because we didn't feel like we really got a chance to say goodbye. It was so fun having them here for three whole days. After they left I was sad.

Monday late morning - sadness abating.

Class was fun. I IMed with Kristen about my melancholy mood and talked about the impending birth of her child. Talking about babies always cheers me a little. I got ready to leave for the house so that I could meet the home insurance guy that went to the wrong address on Friday. He was supposed to be at the house at 1 p.m. I arrived home and pulled into the garage - pretty glad to be home.

Monday: 1:20 p.m. - Urge to kill... rising.

I reach for the door knob to get into the house from the garage. It doesn't turn. I think back to our closing last Thursday and remember the previous owners saying "Never lock the door between the house and the garage. It doesn't have a key." A little peeved (I didn't lock that door), I open the garage door and walk to the front door, taking out my key. I insert key into knob and turn... nothing.

Monday: 1:21 - Urge to kill... Rising.

I look at my key ring and know, even before looking, that I don't have a key to the deadbolt. In denial, I try my key anyway. It doesn't work. I reach for my phone. Back in the garage, I call Mark. I ask, trying not to yell "Did you lock me out of the house?" Pause. Mark replies, "I might have."

Monday: 1:22 - Urge to kill... RISING.

On Mark's suggestion, I angrily trek to the back of the house through the snow. At this point I should mention that it was really freaking cold outside and I didn't have any gloves... or a hat. Conveniently, most of my winter gear is packed in a box somewhere inside the house that I can't get into. I try the patio door... Locked. I bravely scale the deck stairs which are crusted with snow and ice. As I almost fall and crack my skull, I remember a moment from the day before when I suggested that Mark take advantage of the nice day and the melting snow to clean off the deck and stairs. I'm seeing red. The deck door is also locked. It's official. I'm locked out of the house.

Monday: 1:24 - Urge to kill... Overpowering.

I call Mark as I get in the car. My option at this point is to drive back to Augsburg to get Mark's key the deadbolt. I'm merging onto 100 when Mark drops the final shoe: He doesn't have the deadbolt key with him. He thinks it might be in the house. The house I am locked out of. I yell at Mark. Alot. He says he is finding a locksmith. I get off 100 and head toward HD.

Monday: 1:32 - Urge to kill... Let's just say if Mark had been in the car with me, I'd have been driving him to the hospital.

I arrive at the HD and start looking for a new doorknob. I have decided to replace the offending doorknob, which has no key, with a doorknob of my choosing. I curse Mark. I curse the cold. I curse Mark. I curse Mark.

Monday: 12:35 - Urge to kill... Descending from the peak

Shopping is calming. I am looking at pretty bronze doorknobs. I am fighting an irrational urge to punish Mark by spending an exorbitant amount of money at HD. I settle for a very nice rustic bronze doorknob and a wire shelf for a cabinet in the kitchen. Unable to think of other expenditures, I head to the cashier. My rage makes me unable to think coherently, but I somehow manage to purchase the knob and shelf. I head out to the car.

Monday: 1:00 p.m. - Urge to kill... Falls a little more, still very mad

I call Mark in the car. He has just spoken to the locksmith and to the insurance guy. The locksmith will be to the house in about an hour. The insurance guy will also push back his visit. Mark apologizes. Talking about his stupidity pisses me off again. I tell him I'm still mad and cannot yet forgive him.

Monday: 1:05 p.m. - Urge to kill... Skyrockets!!

Mom calls while I'm on the phone with Mark. I tell her the story. The telling re-enrages me and I loose all of the calming effects of shopping. I shout on the phone. Mom, wisely, does not defend Mark, but is, instead, very understanding. Although I did hear her stifle a chuckle twice. Being the big person that I am, I choose to ignore it.

Monday: 1:15 p.m. - I bury the urge to kill under vegetable fried rice

Being very hungry, I go to LeeAnn Chin's for lunch. Surfing the wave of my rage, I am slow and incoherent while ordering and paying for lunch. I make a Monday joke to the cashier. She laughs (pity, probably) and I sit down with my vegetable fried rice and cream cheese wontons. I eat and watch CNN.

Monday: 1:30 - Stupid people at the grocery store re-inflame the urge to kill

After lunch I still have a half an hour to kill, so I decide to go to the grocery store to get some chili fixin's. The store and parking lot are filled with elderly people. Mark calls and notifies me that the locksmith is on the way to the house. I have 10 minutes. I need to go to Walgreen's. Since I'm already there, I decide to run in "real quick." I get stuck in the checkout lane behind a (very nice, I'm sure) elderly lady who can't believe she got the wrong jelly beans. After all (she explains to the cashier) she spent a long time in the aisle making sure to get the right ones. But no, these are not the 99 cent jelly beans. But how can that be? The cashier offers to get her the right jelly beans. He returns with said beans. The elderly lady is astonished. Where did he find those? Ahhh, the Easter aisle, of course.

Time ticks by. I am aware of the approaching locksmith deadline. Finally, I emerge from the store and trot to my car. I get stuck behind possibly the oldest woman I have ever seen. The real mind-bender is that this ancient woman was DRIVING. Not only was she driving, but she was driving a much younger woman around. She stops in front of Walgreen's and the younger woman gets out and goes into the store. I'm in the Twillight Zone.

Monday: 2:00 p.m. - Urge to kill replaced by panic.

One block from my house, the locksmith calls. He is there. I beg him to wait for me.

Monday: 2:05 p.m. - Urge to kill... Getting colder by the second

The locksmith is very nice. And the insurance guy is there, too! Hurray, I think. Two birds and I'm holding the stone. My joy is short-lived. The locksmith is having problems with the garage doorknob. I curse the stupid no-key doorknob. We move to the deadbolt. Meanwhile, insurance guy is somewhere at the back of the house with some sort of measuring device.

Monday: 2:15 p.m. - Urge to kill... Completely frozen by now

The deadbolt is also very stubborn. Wisely, insurance guy retreats to his pickup truck to fill out paperwork. I am jealous of him. The wind is really cold. Locksmith calls the lock a "twerp." I'm STILL in the Twillight Zone.

Monday: 2:20 p.m. - Urge to kill... Urge, isn't that a feeling? I can't feel anything anymore.

Locksmith gives up on the deadbolt. Back to the garage. All of this time, the dogs have been barking. They can't figure out what we are doing outside. Occasionally the barking stops, only to resume again when new noises are noticed. Insurance guy returns to the garage. I admire his fortitude. He mentions that he keeps a spare key in his garage. I inform him that there is not key to this door. A spare key, being non-existent, would not fix this problem.

Locksmith asks if he can cut into the doorknob. I had informed him earlier that I had purchased a new one. I say, yes, please, let's destroy this offensive knob. We plug in the power tool and he goes to work.

Monday: 2:30 p.m. - Urge to kill... replaced by relief and warmth.

Locksmith gouges out the middle part of the knob and we are in!! Locksmith leaves the door open and says "Oh, I hope it's OK if your dog gets out" as Millie trots into the garage. I say, "sure, just don't let the other one out" as Quinn trots into the garage. I'm not in the mood to chase Quinn around the neighborhood. I desperately offer Quinn cookie if he comes in the house with me. I'm astonished when he agrees and follows me in. The puppies are so enamored by the idea of cookies that the completely forget to bark at the strangers. I am immensely grateful.

Once inside, cookies dispensed, I pay Locksmith. He leaves and I'm left to answer a few questions from Insurance Guy.

Monday: 3:00 p.m. - Urge to kill... Gone. Replaced by happy knowledge that Mark owes me big time.

I replace the doorknob. It only requires one call to my Dad and a some swearing as I dig a plastic ring out of the latch hole in the door. It briefly occurs to me as I am gouging at the wood, that if I totally screw this up we will have to go buy a new door. I am OK with this.

I call Mark and inform him that I am in, the dogs were good, Insurance Guy is gone, and that I've replace the doorknob. Mark is surprised that I replaced the knob on my own. I inform him that his penance is that he must come furniture shopping with me on Saturday afternoon. I tell him that he will be pleasant and on task, he will not make stupid jokes, and he will give me his opinion when I ask it. He agrees. I tell him that after we shop, if he is good, I will forgive him completely and only refer to his stupidity occasionally when in the company of others. I think I let him off the hook very easily. For the rest of the day I fight the impulse to make snarky comments about how he's a big idiot.

Monday evening - Urge to kill... Forgotten in the welcome flickering light of TV.

We went to Menards and bought a TV antenna. Sitting on my couch, watching "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles," I remember joy and contentment. After "Medium" I crawl into bed, secure in the knowledge that I know have keys for all three locks on my key chain.


  1. My, my--you are incredibly easy to figure out. You are either (a) hungry or (b) homicidal. I for one hope to encounter you only when you're hungry. If you are homicidal, I hope to have a bowl of noodles right nearby.

  2. Very interesting article. Emergency locksmiths are playing very important role. I locked myself out of my apartment. And I called to locksmith company. They said that locksmith will come in 30-40 minutes. He came and opened my door in 10 minutes. So, the locksmith was very handy for me in this tight situation. Another case, my sister locked her 2 year old son in the car at church. Luckily the locksmith company office is right next door.